33 Years: My Recovery Program of Choice is still SMART Recovery.
I quit drinking and drugging 33 years go on January 23, 1984. I was a daily pot smoker, a practice which rendered me abysmally stupid. I still drank occasionally despite almost dying of pancreatitis in my early 20s. I was at high risk for having it again anytime I drank and possibly dying quite painfully. My last drink was a large glass of cheap white wine mixed with cheap vodka. It did not taste good. It didn't even do what I wanted it to do.
I went to a 30-day wonder rehab called Edge Hill Newport. It has since gone out of business. It was a disease model 12-Step facility. That was all that existed back then.
I didn't particularly like the 12-Step model of recovery. I was, and still am, an atheist. I wasn't about to turn my life and will over to some non-existent deity. I didn't agree with the idea that I was powerless over what I put into my mouth. This got me into some trouble at Edge Hill and even more so in the halfway house, I went to for 6 months afterward. But, I met some good people and I got through treatment relatively unscathed.
Oh, my attitude in early recovery stank. One counselor said “good morning” and I replied, “today is going to suck”. He told me to have a positive attitude. So I said, “okay, I'm positive today is going to suck”. At the halfway house, I was required to attend a certain number of AA/NA meetings per week. I made sure I attended a few more besides. That way, when I complained to the staff how much I disliked the meetings, they couldn't accuse me of just doing the required minimum.
I have to admit, I was quite active in AA/NA. I disagreed completely with the basic assumptions of addiction as a disease, powerlessness, and the need for divine intervention. On the other hand, I did like many of the people. The social support was nice. There were a number of practical suggestions. Even some of the slogans made sense to some degree. I held different positions in various groups and even served on the NA Area Service Committee for awhile.
I returned college, having dropped out because I was too damned stoned all the time. Then I went to graduate school for a degree counseling.
At about 3 years into my recovery, I got a job as the Senior Counselor at an inner city residential addictions program. Although rabidly 12-Step, it had a cognitive restructuring component, a kind of watered down REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy).
I was then finishing my master's degree and studying for my comprehensive exam. That required that I be very familiar with a theory of counseling. I decided to kill two birds with one stone. I started reading Albert Ellis on REBT for the comps and for work.
The first two books I read were “Humanistic Psychotherapy” by Ellis and “New Guide to Rational Living” Ellis & Harper. I was hooked! I loved REBT from the first page of the first book. In 1989, I attended the Primary Practicum In REBT at the Albert Ellis Institute in New York City. Over the years I completed all the requirements to become certified as an REBT supervisor and instructor. I have attended several REBT conferences and I even presented at one in Keystone CO in 2001.
SMART Recovery came into being when I was about 6 years in recovery. I found out about through the Albert Ellis Institute. At first, it was called Rational Recovery. Then it evolved into its present form. I found a home. That is how I became rational and SMART. Well, I became a little more rational and somewhat SMARTer
The philosophy of REBT and SMART fits me perfectly. That doesn't mean I always practice it perfectly. But, I am very happy here.
I have been doing some reflecting on how my life has changed.
My life before I stopped:
- I had dropped out of college. This was especially stupid as I only had 2 courses left and was too stoned to realize it.
- I had 2 bouts of pancreatitis that almost killed me as a direct result of my drinking.
- I had chronic bronchitis from smoking pot all day every day.
- I was unemployed and unemployable.
- I had been fired from several jobs because of my attitude.
- The crowning irony was that the last job I was fired from I was the head counselor for a shelter for substance involved adolescents! You can imagine the bull**** and outright lies I had to tell myself to justify working there while smoking pot like chimney every day. (People who know me well know I love irony.)
- I had become abysmally stupid and have the MAT before and after scores to prove it. The MAT is an exam to get into graduate school. When I took the MAT the first time, I was smoking pot daily. My score was 35 out of a possible 100. I took it again 3 years after I quit. I scored 75!
- I couldn't read and comprehend a paragraph because I'd forget how it started before I reached the end.
- I couldn't take care of myself, let alone a dog.
- I had little or no control over my emotions. I did not manage my emotions, they managed me.
After I stopped:
- My health improved considerably. I have had no problems with my pancreas since I stopped drinking. I continued to have regular bouts of bronchitis for a few years after I stopped smoking pot. But it ceased to be a biannual event after about 3 years. I suspect that there may have been some permanent damage to my lung capacity as well.
- I completed college.
- I took the MAT a 2nd time and scored 75!
- I got into graduate school and earned my Master's degree.
- I completed training at the Albert Ellis Institute up to the clinical supervisor level.
- I got to study with and get to know Albert Ellis and a number of other wonderful REBT people. (Many of these people were involved with SMART!)
- Until recently, I have been employed almost continuously. More about that later.
- My attitude at work, while still not great, hasn't gotten me fired.
- I have the very great pleasure of having dogs in my life.
- I have been able to deal with the deaths of dogs that I loved very much and who had brought me much joy.
- I have learned to manage my emotions much better.
- I have learned to deal with some bitter disappointments as there are some things I would have liked out of life that I simply have not been able to achieve.
- I have been able to contribute to society in ways that would have been absolutely impossible had I continued to drink/use.
- I have been able to consistently pursue personally meaningful activities such as the daily practice of Tai Chi.
Okay, so much for the 'I stopped drinking/drugging and life is ******* wonderful' part of the story.
One of the most important lessons I've learned in recovery is that life doesn't always give what you want. Sometimes it rains on your parade. Let's face it, sometimes life ***** on your parade.
When the **** hits the fan and your using, you usually end up standing there covered with **** and whining about it. Recovery doesn't keep all the **** from hitting the fan. But, recovery does enable you to duck faster when it does. If you don't duck fast enough, you take a shower instead of just standing there stinking.
In the last few years, the **** has certainly hit the fan several times. I started a business just before the economy crashed. I had to have major back surgery and didn't know my insurance wouldn't cover most of the expenses until it was too late. 2 of my dogs died of old age. 2 others died as a result of sudden illnesses.
My current dog is Russo. She's fine.
I'm now woefully underemployed. My income is far less than adequate. I'm finding difficult to find work for several reasons. Among them, I have a visible handicap, deformed hands. This does preclude many kinds of work and, yes, there is prejudice against people with handicaps. At least 3 employers questioned my ability to use a computer because of my hands. Ironically, typing and using computers is something I can do. I'm also 63 and employers prefer younger workers. Age discrimination is another unfair fact of life.
The most galling problem I have run into, however, has been anti-SMART and anti-REBT prejudice. Several employers have come right out and said they would never hire anyone who was not 12-Step. Many of those same employers made disparaging remarks about Albert Ellis.
Just when you would think things couldn’t possibly get any worse. In the last 3 years, I have been diagnosed with Asthma and Congestive Heart Failure. These were in addition to Severe Sleep Apnea and ongoing depression. I’ve had to on Disability and it’s unlikely I’ll be able to work again, at least not full-time.
So, despite having allegedly done everything right, stopped using, completed my education, obtained my counseling licenses, acquired advanced training, etc., things aren't turning out spectacularly well. But that isn't really what recovery is about.
Recovery is about dealing as best I can with life as it is, not as I wish it to be. Recovery is about learning the tools, skills, and coping strategies to change the things I can and live as gracefully as possible with the things I can't. That I'm doing.
REBT and SMART Recovery have given me the tools I need. I find the ABCs of REBT to be especially useful. By using these tools, I'm able to manage my emotions and behaviors sensibly. I can still enjoy those activities that I can do, such as Tai Chi.
Let me say this again, recovery is about dealing as best I can with life as it is, not as I wish it to be.
Recovery doesn't guarantee I'll be healthy. It does mean I won't complicate and worsen any health problems with alcohol/drugs.
Recovery doesn't guarantee I'll always have a job. It does mean I'll be better able to find and retain employment or an income when possible.
Recovery doesn't guarantee I'll always have enough money. It does mean I'll be much better able to cope with either wealth or poverty. So far, it’s poverty. I would rather cope with wealth.
Drinking and drugging are like running a marathon with 5lb weights on my ankles and wrists. If I'm exceptionally strong, I might make it to the finish, but probably not. Taking the weight off, however, doesn't guarantee I'll win or even finish. It does make my chances better provided I do the training.
The last 4 years have been exceptionally difficult. Year 34 looks to be equally challenging. I would much rather meet these challenges with a clear head ad using the tools of SMART Recovery and REBT.
JvB
