Every one of you

[LobsterTank]

Every one of you saved my life. Without you coming here regularly, irregularly, succeeding, failing, exalting, wailing, demonstrating with each keystroke the absolute amazingness of your journey, your soul, your inner hopes, dreams, fears, and anxieties; I truly do not believe I would have been able to pull myself up and out of the bottle.

Here I am almost 8 years into my new life because of this community. Now I have my very own life wrested free from the BU11SH1TTER'S grasp after so much of my life had been drank and p1ssed away.

And as always, I know that each of you can do this too. I know that you will find what you need to use to pull yourself up and out of your own bottle. SROL or no SROL, the WORK is YOURS alone to do but I know you have what it takes to do it. Look at how much pain you have endured, how much work you have put in to being a drunk.

Look at that and know that YOU CAN DO THIS.

Here is a remnant of my SMART volunteer past that I will leave you with as we dissipate into our various corners of the world and the ether of the internet:

When I started down this path with SMART after 30+ years of over-imbibing, I was pretty familiar with most of my triggers. The SMART tools helped me with the 'why' behind them. It was a real game-changer for me to learn why I was acting out on these triggers and that knowledge came through the various ABC worksheets I completed and the false beliefs about alcohol I uncovered.

I lamented over and over through the years, just as you,Why do I keep doing this thing? Once I understood what was really happening in my mind via the ***********, it was so much easier to deal with the trigger. It was almost like I had been given some magical power I didn't possess before: Knowledge and Choice.

Initially, I avoided various situations and took great care of myself emotionally. I ducked out of social events when the drinking started. I removed alcohol from my home. I stayed far away from the wine and beer aisle in the grocery store. I committed myself to other activities during my trouble times. I spent alot of time here in the forums and the toolbox.

But from the moment I started here, I knew it was critical for me to not hang my abstinence on anything external. I had to remember first and foremost that no person(s) or situation(s) could keep me abstinent or make me drink. My abstinence had to be based on the power of my choice not to drink.

After all, I am a grown up with a job, a car, and money and I could at any moment go buy alcohol. Just as you could or a drug or junk food or find a slot machine; whatever behavior it is that has led you here. So if I could easily re-engage with my DOC, then my abstinence had to be built on stronger ground than that.

But the willpower to not jump in that car and take that money to the nearest store was only going to get me so far. Hey, if willpower was the answer, how many of us would be here on SMART or in AA or in treatment facilities? I needed more.

Seeing the true costs of my over-imbibing in my CBA, understanding what I really value in life with the HOV, and reading about the concept of Low Frustration Tolerance (LFT) got me started on building that new, stronger ground. Using the urge coping techniques like DISARM or Playing the Tape Forward helped get me through my cravings.

Working with the ABC worksheets before, during, and after known and unexpected triggers helped me learn what was really going on when I thought I was going on automatic pilot and returning to drinking. For me, there really wasn't anything automatic about it. I was very actively involved in my decisions and behaviors but I was doing so with false information (Irrational Beliefs about Alcohol).

All those years I thought I was letting myself down by continually returning to drinking, I was actually trying to take care of myself. I was doing what my beliefs indicated would comfort or reward or protect me. The ABC worksheets helped me see where that thinking had gone wrong and how to turn it to healthier beliefs that were in-line with the person I wanted to be and the life I wanted to live.

I know that disappointment, that shame, that guilt, that absolute despair and hopelessness. I thought I was just a piece of sh&t and no longer deserved anything good ever. I don't even know if I can completely articulate just how poorly I felt about myself but somehow I think you can probably relate.

And there were days here at SMART that I was definitely uncomfortable. But I understand now that there are days in every life that are uncomfortable; and when you are moving toward healthy goals, it is worth the discomfort.

I had to deal with the past. I had to surf through the urges and the physical discomforts. I had to (and still have to sometimes due to PAWS-Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome)push my way through depression and mood swings. But I wanted it and I still do. I want to be the me without alcohol for the second half of my life. The *********** got enough of my years. Its my turn.

I saw a church sign last night on the drive back here to work. "What you do today is important. You are trading a day of your life for it."

I hope that helps. I know I lack brevity. lol! Long posts... But I want you to achieve everything you ever even dare to dream. I want you to be the person you always hoped you could be.

I'm rooting for each one of you. You got this! Have a good day or at least a crappy sober one.

Be well.

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[Gordon1]

Thankyou very much for posting this LobsterTank
It is a wonderful description of triumph and growth.

Thankyou so much for all you have done here <3

[LobsterTank]

Love to you, Hugh.

[Woodswalker]

Thank you both for being here. Hope to see you all on Reddit!

[jwg54]

I remember your frank honesty especially. It really hit home when I needed it.

I, also, am 8 years into this sober life.

Love & Hugs, James

[LobsterTank]

Be well, James