166,642,829 Seconds In and Counting

[Dolphin]

As I begin writing this it is July 13, 2014; 6:55 AM, MST. I quit drinking on April 1, 2009 at 1:15 PM, MST; 166,642,829 seconds ago, give or take 118 seconds.

I remember my quit date and time very clearly because I’d just slammed down my 6^th or 7^th beer of the day and was headed out the door to drive to an appointment with my Counselor, whose help I’d sought to relieve depression. I’d done this same thing (slam down a beer and leave for my appointment) on four previous occasions. Annoyingly enough (at the time), I recall being aware of being drunk, not just buzzed, on this particular drive and thinking how stupid driving drunk to a meeting with a Counselor was.

On my first visit in March, 2009, after taking a thorough medical history and noting that my only substance uses/abuses were alcohol, nicotine and caffeine my Counselor suggested that depression and alcohol were often linked and that, just perhaps, I should consider quitting drinking, just for a while, to see if that helped my depression. I was vocally resistant to that idea - what could alcohol possibly have to do with depression!? – but reluctantly agreed to give temporary abstinence a try. After all, suicidal thoughts seem so logical while you’re having them and both stupid and terrifying in afterthought.

Although I didn’t quit or even cut down my drinking, over the next 3 weeks we discussed various therapy tools that could help me quit. AA came up and I quickly dismissed it. I had previously quit drinking for about 2 years using 12-step methods. During that whole time I never gained the feeling that I was “recovered”, could relax and enjoy my life. I felt I had to remain ever vigilant, that my next drink and relapse were just around the next corner, waiting to pounce on me. At some point my Counselor casually mentioned SMART Recovery and gave me a brochure and web address.

I registered and looked around the site. It seemed OK. No body was pushy, except maybe Snorkle (another SMART member). She gave me a figurative kick in the pants and pointed out how stupid my ****-it-all attitude was. I still have that MB exchange and reread it fondly from time-to-time.

During this first April visit my Counselor commented that alcohol didn’t really seem to be much of a problem for me. He was obviously taken aback when I replied that he’d never seen me sober and that on this particular visit I was what even I would consider drunk. He thanked me for my candidness. I decided that it was time for me to begin working on getting sober, at least for a short while.

Anyway, long story short: I had kicked and fought to remain a “functional”, “social” drinker (6-pack+/day). No one told me I had to quit. I had to see for myself that it was time to “grow up”, that the successful and responsible people in this world don’t drink from 6:00 AM on every single stinking day of their lives because they don’t have a choice (withdrawals are a pretty convincing argument to take that next/first drink of the day sometimes) and that life, for me, could be better without alcohol.

I thank myself, SMART Recovery, Snorkle, my Counselor and numerous other users here on the SMART Recovery web site, in that order, for me being 5+ years sober and almost 5 years nicotine/smoke/tobacco free. The program works, and as JvB is fond of relating: Nobody said it would be easy; They said it would be worth it.

It was hard work to get sober, learning to use the SMART tools, learning unconditional self-acceptance, and unconditional acceptance of others for what they are. Somewhere I went through a shift from considering temporary abstinence to simply being sober and liking it. Today, for me, drinking and smoking are both non-issues. I’m not leery of my next urge for either substance. Yes, even after 5 years I still have urges at the most surprising times, whenever I do some activity that I used to associate with drinking or smoking, but they are easily dismissed with an inner smile of amusement and incredulity at just how tenacious addictive habits are. Life without them is better.

[Sagefemme]

Very inspiring post. thank you

[fenquat]

Good sumation of your journey. As an aside, had you been travelling at the speed of light you would have passed Proxima Centauri around last Thanksgiving or so...

Enjoy!

[dirksimonz]

Awesome post dolphin. 5 years on that is so great to read and very inspiring.

[melliemoo]

You are an inspiration! Congrats!

Mel =)

[DorothyZ]

Thank you.

[Gentoo]

166,642,829 congratulations to you, Dolphin!

From a fellow aquatic creature,
Gentoo <( ')

[othila]

As a beginner, I love your post. There is hope.